何是长向别时圆

之前表姐跟我分享了一首歌， 名字叫michelle的第一天。我自认自恋， 见到有自己名字的歌当然会想听。 听后有点惊讶， 有点感动。 我再次认自恋…我还会觉得这首歌是神给我的安慰和承诺.

可能因为在我现在的人生季节里这首歌真的太贴切了。我觉得自己就是歌里的michelle，经历了失落，伤疼；在人生经历里逼着寻找，学习长大。幸好在奋斗时有人在默默爱护，陪着我的失落， 感受我的挣扎， 耐心地等待我的成长。对我来说这首歌是祂的祝福，也是祂心疼的证据. 我也真的希望是一种承诺吧！

新的一年，新的开始。我会期待终点， 期待开始。 期待在放手里取回拥有。 期待天轮地卷。也会期待最近总会在我心里听到的一句话： ”学习安静“. 如果可以在破碎里获得温柔安静的心灵也真不错。

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我的歌（哈哈）的歌词：

冬天以後 我們就都要張開雙手 
讓風吹過童年的無憂 
親愛的 親愛的Michelle
我還是會在那兒等 等妳的笑容

夏天以後 妳就要飛向海闊天空
讓風吹送去愛情的漩渦
親愛的 親愛的Michelle
我會學著讓自己放手 祝福妳的失落

啊～Michelle的第一天 啊～長大的第一天
啊～我們的第一天 啊～已走得好遙遠 

我們會在春天的時候蠢蠢欲動 秋天開始思索
我們會在傷心的時候好想要放棄 幸福就忘記傷痛
我們會在成功的時候遇見挫折 痛苦中學會放手
我們會在徬徨的時候學習從容 學習安靜

冬天以後 我們就都要張開雙手
讓風吹過童年的無憂 
親愛的 親愛的Michelle
我還是會在那兒等 等妳的笑容
啊～My Michelle

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnHiawfdBeo&list=PL1MnlWCHkXGqD31MgQVCDk5G-9eemd7EU&index=1

A good part of study periods freshmen year was devoted to designing zombie-apocalypse action plans with my roomies (we’ll all immediately chop off our hair, the chem major will hit up Baker for chemicals, someone will bring all the Lipton bottles we collected, someone else will date a boy with the intention of having access to a car, and etc.) and the whole idea is based on how to NOT become zombies. 

In the spirit of Halloween, I clicked http://www.russellmoore.com/2012/10/31/why-zombies-matter/, thinking “interesting, I didn’t think zombies did matter….” And a part of it reads:

“The gospel tells us that, apart from Christ, we were walking in the flesh, that is slavishly obeying our biological impulses and appetites without the direction of the Spirit. As such, we were “dead in trespasses and sins” (Eph. 2:1). But we weren’t inert. We instead, though dead, “walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air” (Eph. 2:2). We were walking dead slaves.”

WE WERE ZOMBIES ALREADY!! Not at all alive but still moving about, feeding our impulses and fleshly desires. So basically, the zombie apocalypse had already happened. And the resulting similar goal: how to NOT be a zombie, how be become fully alive.

So supposedly, we are no longer such zombies when we have accepted Christ as Lord, and I have though at times I act like I have not, and I still find myself living like a zombie. Or rather, I feel like a zombie. I can’t say that I don’t recall moments where I feel like I’m breathing the fresh-air that is the grace and presence of my God, or that I can’t recount moments of eternal significance (a conversation or even just a memorable passage) that says that my life still holds meaning, but I feel like every other moment was a zombie-moment. I feel dead in my trespasses and sins and weak to them. I feel like I’m following the course of this world and I find absolutely no meaning in it. I feel not joyful. And it feels as if there’s no way out, the virus has spread too much. 

And I know all this is feeling and the truth is: I am not zombie, and as long as God remains faithful, which He will, I can’t even re-transform into one if I wanted to. BUT IT FEELS AWFUL.

I’m ranting. And I can preach against my feelings and for prayer and obedience but I feel like something’s missing. Like maybe I’m missing a piece of the picture of truth. So let me know if you know what I’m missing (rebuke me, please, if you know what I need to be rebuked for) or if you have a step-by-step action plan on how to fully leave the zombie life. Or whatever it is.

“Holiness is the sum of a million little things — the avoidance of little evils and little foibles, the setting aside of little bits of worldliness and little acts of compromise, the putting to death of little inconsistencies and little indiscretions, the attention to little duties and little dealings, the hard work of little self-denials and little self-restraints, the cultivation of little benevolences and little forbearances. Are you trustworthy? Are you kind? Are you patient? Are you joyful? Do you love? These qualities, worked out in all the little things of life, determine whether you are blight or blessing to everyone around you, whether you are an ugly spiritual eyesore or growing up into a good-looking Christian.”

Excited that there was a blurb about holiness on Desiring God because it is very relevant in the midst of what I’ve been thinking about and some recent conversations. I was reading an article about Hudson Taylor’s life on the missions field. He, who to me was a spiritual all-star because of the great things God allowed him to do, apparently constantly felt distanced from God. He was grieved by his sinfulness and recognized the individual’s dire need to abide in Christ. Of all the things he could be asking for (and rightfully so; e.g. walls without holes in it, his patients, his ministry, etc.) he constantly desired holiness and asked for it. This was what the author called Hudson Taylor’s “spiritual secret.”

Holiness is God’s promise to us and achieved by grace alone but there is also an aspect of one’s choice to fight for it. “Consecrate yourselves, therefore, and be holy, for I am the Lord your God.” Reading about Hudson Taylor made me self-reflect: do I take holiness this seriously? In the midst of my busyness (which is nothing compared to Hudson Taylor’s often 20hour day), do I truly recognize my need to abide above all else?

No, I do not. I need to take holiness seriously. I need to pursue God even harder. And not for the mere sake of being holy but because of our Father and His love and the response of love that it draws. And that is honestly kind of frustrating and overwhelming. 

“We must always remember that in seeking after holiness we are not so much seeking after a thing as we are seeking a person. The blessings of the gospel — election, justification, sanctification, glorification, and all the rest — have been deposited in no other treasury but Christ. We don’t just want holiness. We want the Holy One in whom we have been counted holy and are now being made holy. To run hard after holiness is another way of running hard after God. Just as a once-for-all, objective justification leads to a slow-growth, subjective sanctification, so our unchanging union with Christ leads to an ever-increasing communion with Christ.”